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…no man has learned anything until he knows
that every day is judgment day.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

If there is Meaning or Purpose, forgive me, for I may not know what I may be doing… To have lived awhile and not regret much may be a flaw. I am not here to complain about anything, only to expose something that may be deeply burrowed in my heart.

Well, my friends are asking me what my birthday wish is. I react indifferently to the question because I’ve abandoned the notion of wishful thinking as superstitious and childish. But starting as a child-like nature are what dreams are made of…

My first official personal journal entry was dated August 29, 1993. It was over 10 years ago that I started writing thoughts to release my angst, my dreams, and my desires. I had the dream of putting these thoughts together to form a coming-of-age screenplay. It is to be a story about a young male seeking a sense of his belonging…

Anyways, what follows is an excerpt of the screenplay. It is a dialogue exchange between the male and female protagonists. The characters are fictional and have no relation to anyone real alive or dead. *wink,wink* But, if you read into it, you might be able to tell what I wish for in my 32nd year of human existence…


Shelly and Tommy are sitting in a booth, in opposite seats facing each other. They’re just finishing up the last of their banana split together.

Tommy smiles at Shelly.

Are we done here?

Shelly nods back at Tommy with a smile. Than Tommy turns to signal to the waitress for the check.

It’s true.
Men only have one thing
on their minds.


That smile.
You only want one thing…

Where this coming from?
I only show you this face ’cause I
like you? You’re a cutey, and I
just wanted to communicate that to you…
without words.

There’s a momentary silence.

So… then are we dating?

Uh… maybe after we hang out a
couple of more times.

How many more times are we gonna hang out?
How many more times are we
gonna fuck? What are we? FTF?

FTF? I thought that concept
was a myth…

Well, we have sex don’t we?
But you claim we’re ‘just friends’…

I don’t mean it that way… we’re good…
very close friends.
Let’s take this outside.

Tommy and Shelly exits the dessert shop.


Shelly walks out of the dessert shop with anger on her face. Tommy slowly paces behind her. Shelly stop at the passenger side of Tommy’s car. She turns to face Tommy, as Tommy walks up to her.

That’s what you’re telling everyone?
(mocking Tommy’s voice)
‘Oh, Shelly? She’s just a close friend?
She gives it up to me but we just friends.’

I never said it like that! I’ve only been with you…
So, this… between us…
(points to Shelly and to himself,
back and forth, a few times)
you and me… something is going on.

Then what is it you’re afraid of?

Tommy opens the passenger door for Shelly.


Nothin’? Is that always your answer?
And don’t give me that bullshit speech
about how humans know nothing.
You use your intellectual arguments
to shade your feelings and emotions.
And that’s what truly is to be human.

Shelly sits in passenger seat as Tommy closes the door, like a true gentleman. Tommy walks to the driver’s side and sees Shelly pulling the handle to let him in. Tommy gets in and sits in the seat.

(looks directly at Tommy)
I need to know… I don’t care if I’m being selfish now.
But I need to know… I demand an answer.
Is something going to happen between us
besides a fling?

You mean… the ‘love thing’?

(rolls eyes)
Must I spell it out for you?

(looks Shelly straight
into her eyes)
Yes, Shelly, I’m in love with you.
It hurts to know that it may never last.
So, we can just forget it.

Well!? It can’t get any more honest than that…
and quite unnecessarily like a punch in the stomach.
What kind of fantasy fairy tale shit are
you dreaming up? You expect someone to just instantly
fall in love with you? It takes
hard-work and fucken responsibility
to love someone! And I’ve given all that!
This ain’t no love-at-first-sight bullshit!

What you want from me? My feelings
are screwed… I admit, it hurts if
I allow too much of them to surface.
You don’t want to ultimately rely on me!
I will disappoint you.

Shelly’s face turns sour.

Why are you continuing to do this
to yourself, and dragging me along with you?


You’re hurting me in your comfort zone!
We’ve been through enough
for you to give me good reason to
be with you. And I love you back.
What reason do you believe that it
won’t last?
And don’t you dare give me that
‘It’s not you, it’s me’ answer.


Oh, my god? Is that all you have to say?
Tommy the intellectual is fucken speechless.

I will post the complete first draft by next week, providing I don’t get too fucked up this weekend. I hope to see every one this coming Friday.