A Plead to the AllSparks

Have Mercy AllSparks,

I know you are a fictional matrix that is the creation of all sentient beings, and that all sentients who die returns to the Matrix with the knowledge they possess to increase sentient existence, and therefore “the spark of every transformer who has ever lived, or ever will live”. I have accepted the reality of the trials of war, poverty, and ignorance. But, if there’s a hint to your vasts body of knowledge, can you explain to me why Transformers: The Movie (2007) was such a terrible movie? I never liked movies by Michael Bay – The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor – as he has a knack for composition “cheating” on action sequences in his movies. But, I never disliked the guy, and I never was part of the “I Hate Michael Bay” movement… But, Transformers is a pretty clear example why Bay could never make a bad camp movie “good”. He has degraded the Transformers mythology to a Fast & The Furious flick with robots, and no Asians.

A movie that caters to 15-year-olds with minds of 8 to 11-year-olds, the humans (or “fleshinglings” as Megatron puts it) in the movie were portrayed as annoying, stereotypical, stock characters. Every moment the lead characters spoke, I shook my head, losing patience, wondering who actually got paid millions to write such inane dialogue (In this case, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman). Ahem… the main characters, populated a plot, which consisted of a dorky, (supposedly) smart kid (not smarter than the audience, otherwise they would feel threatened) in lust with the sexy, dimwitted, wannabe street-wise girl, who is dating a jock (whom always is portrayed as a meathead in a scene that don’t last more than 2 minutes). Although, admittedly, I laughed during the “masturbation” dialogue midway into the movie, but does it take vulgarity in a PG13 flick to emit an emotion out of me that costed 120 million dollars to make?

I’ve recently viewed another action flick that gave me faith in Hollywood’s ability to entertain us, Live Free or Die Hard. It had charm, inventiveness, and even a sense of aging wit. And Bruce Willis is cool, even for a 50-something year old man, who made his choices to “kick a lot of ass” based on the limits of his character’s existence. However implausible the plot, Bruce proved he deserved to live (free). In Transformers, Megatron questions why the “fleshlings” should be saved. Optimus Prime with his infinite righteousness explains that it’s because they (the humans) deserve a choice. The “fleshlings” in this movie have no character, so you’d just wonder by evolutionary laws, what much of a choice do they have? Therefore, they should of been elminated, and stepped on, as pests. Instead, the robots, by an ironic choice of logic, choose to save the annoying humans, which was quite a torturous viewing experience. All hail Megatron!

There are those that argue that it’s mindless fun. I’m not expecting a Citizen Kane, or even a groundbreaking experience like the early Star Wars films, but I do expect some semblance of an intelligent payoff by a hardworking filmmaker. Otherwise, the mind gets bored, when viewing a movie that’s cheating your entertainment value. The only good I hope to come out of this Transformers movie is that enough people will watch this movie to give Hollywood a notice to invest in a sequel (or more sequels) and hire a better visual director and a badass writer (I’d suggest James Cameron and William Wisher), and pretend this movie was apocraphyal and never happened.

Amen, AllSparks.


For more ramblings, please Google “Transformers Sucks”.

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