Bench Monkeys United

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Head over to, and you’ll find some blog posts between my good buddy Matt and I (and the possibility of  future posts by other monkeys), where we challenge ourselves to various goals that we’ve been bragging to each other that we’re gonna do since forever. Pretty much it’s a “to-do” list, motivated by a public site, fueled with tainted testosterone.  Monkey testosterone. Each of our goals are ranked by four different types of monkeys: Gorillas (strength), Chimpanzees (intellect), Orangutans (spirit), and the Bonobos (sex & pleasure).

Why monkeys? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I saw a tattoo on Matt’s arm one dinner evening about a decade ago, and asked him why he had a monkey tattoo. He just said it was cool. I thought he was “mentally challenged”, even though Matt’s dumbass passed the Mensa High IQ test. But, ever since then, we challenge each other to bullshit things like food challenges (he won the Pho Challenge after a 2nd try), reading 10 books in a month, and joining the Tough Mudder challenge this coming Sept 2012. I only agreed to using our fellow cousins, the monkeys (we share 99% of the same DNA, bitches!), of the evolutionary chain as symbols of our challenges because I love all-things that are “Planet of the Apes” (way more than “Star Wars”, that’s for sure). If you need to ask “why” even more, you’re mentally-challenged.

Why bench? Because I told Matt I was going to bench 250 lbs many times, but never achieved it. At least, not in his presence. I got as far as doing 205 lbs at one point, and kinda dropped it on my chest. Lucky with my quick monkey reflexes, I was able to push my paws against gravity to allow any real damage. Well, and also, Monkey Matt was there to spot me. He tells me something about how I have to drink a gallon of milk within an hour if I don’t make the 250 mark by the time of the Tough Mudder challenge. Psshhh! Whatever.

In the end, our monkey accomplishments will be United as One, and will Destroy Us. Damn you all to Hell!

You can start charting my failures by reading my first Bench Monkeys United by Monkey Ray.

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