mirror, mirror, broken mirror

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Hello. Is it Xanga journal time again? Okay, let’s talk, folks. I realize that I sometimes seem to come off as being full of rage, or even critical of our species called humans. Of course, I am not angry. But I am also human too. And I can’t hate myself; it would be counter-productive to my evolution as a human. But my technical skills lie in web design/programming and writing, therefore, that’s where I channel my most buried and honest thoughts. Well most of them, of course. (I’m not gonna tell you everything.) And, unfortunately, sometimes, when one unleashes their thoughts, it comes out a bit forceful…

Over the weekend, my home computer has become totally corrupted, unable to access anything. (I am writing this on my break at work at the moment.) And I need to write. Being so vulnerable, I am unable to access my emails, writings, and notes. (It’s great advice when they tell you to back up all your stuff on your drive.) Therefore, the only thing I have current access to is what’s on my mind. And, boy, has it become cluttered. You know how there’s a lotta things you wanna do, and opportunities to take advantage of, but you just don’t want to make the wrong choices and fuck it all up? But, for better or worse, I’ve become to comfortable with who I am. And, I lack a strict plan for anything now, I’ve lost my sense of Self and priorities, and all my flaws, I arrogantly deny. Everything has become a day-to-day trial towards the inevitable Unknown. Therefore, it’s time for some personal growth on my part…

But all previous journals are still me.

Sometimes I do dream to be the Hero, the Leader, and the Lover, in certain moments of Life. But I tend to lack the motivation to become one (or all) of these. And, I believe I am not alone in dreaming these things. And I also believe we all are given the opportunity (mostly subtle) at times to become one (or all) of these. Yet, we slap the hands that feeds us because it’s less responsibility to be the saved then to be the savior. It’s easy to ask,”What’s the point in all this?” But being a member of a thinking (although somewhat limited) species, you just get that nagging feeling that it may not be that easy, although there may be no point. To sarcastically ask that question would be a “lazy” attitude.

Some may say I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I say that I may not. (Me probably in denial.) Everyone goes through what I do… every single day. So, this is defnitely not a special plea for sympathy. (I’m just trying to relate to my fellow human peoples.) Life, Love, Death, etc., etc. etc. Monotony, Health, Nothingness, etc., etc., etc. Everyone talks about everything that is something (or nothing). Or we try to, ’cause we think we know everything, etc., etc., etc. And, true, the world don’t owe me an explanation for any of this. I owe the world an explanation, if I want to justify a Meaning for my Existence. (Is it any importance to do so, though?) The only one that can make Meaning is the Self. (Assuming the Self is what wants Meaning.) And, the biggest opportunity I was given was Life itself. I do hope my computer will be accessable again by tonight, my motivation lies in there somewhere.