I’m over 18 now, I’m a grown woman.
I can go where I want and do what I want!
– Meadow Soprano
All right, Jesus! God, we know that!
Is that your only point here?
Because just getting what you want is for babies, not adults!
– Carmela Soprano
…you can tell everything about a man
by the way he treats women.
– Adriana La Cerva, The Sopranos
If you can quote the rules you can obey them, you hear me?
– Tony Soprano, Ibid.
Hi, it’s me again. Who? Me! You know… ray… ray hom. Most of y’all who visit this spot know who I am, and probably a few of you have stumbled on here by mere chance. Sorry, if I had neglected most of your existence lately. I just believe that you deserved some ‘time out’ and should be spending more quality time out in wonderland (Earth). But, honestly, it also took a lot out of me to muster enough courage to face you folks when all I am armed with is pen and paper. I admit, I ain’t no Shakespeare. Nor am I Twain, Hemingway, or Asimov. But I hope as much as I’ve written previously was enough to bring you back. And lo and behold! You are here! Thank you, thank you. I humble my existence in your presence. It’s you who keeps me alive. I’ve been MIA and I beg you for forgiveness. It’s out of a habit of going through the motions of life. I’ve been inching towards achieving that epiphany of “What now?” But I am back again, but do you care to even know why?
Being that you have read so far, you must have some curiosity. I’m much flattered. I can really feel the love being passed from your computer screen to mines. You could be out bumping William Hung’s new CD or be an amateur actor to dehumanize yourself on a reality show. I am quite touched. Instead, either you’re contemplating what I’m saying next or you think I’m a self-absorbent, naive, joy-happy, optimist who believes everything’s gonna be okay. And that I’m gonna help give you an answer to “it all”. Tough fucken luck. I’m pass 31 and I still don’t know shit. Remember when you were in your teens and 20s? How you snubbed at your parents? And how you joined some movement/cause to save the world or the human race… but you ended up an ignorant self-righteous bastard? You remember all that? Oh, you’re still living that moment? It’s okay, as long in the long run you survive it all… there must be a lesson somewhere in “it all”.
If you actually pay attention, though, life is an annoying nuisance at times. There’s too much pressure on being “good” and doing the “right thing”. But when we do so, it don’t seem to pay off a lot of times. And a lot of you folks out there are bitter and angry ’cause you believe the world ain’t treatin’ you right. Right? I know it’s pretty shitty and no one gives a fuck. So, you don’t give a fuck… It’s human nature for us to be seeing the POV from the downtrodden, unskilled, and ignorant folks when the world seems to be dead set against us. Quite easy to believe that we’re the good guys victimized by life itself. But… it’s also arrogant and conceited and naive with this “me against the world” attitude, like we’re suppose to be the superheroes of humanity. What the fuck gives you the idea that this world is split into “good versus evil”? And that you’re on the side of “good”? If you really pay attention, the only war that’s being fought is the “good & evil” within you, the battle for Self.
I could be telling you something like “go out and make something of yourself” or “live the moment” or “life is sooooo ggggreeeaattt!” But, no, I’m not here to “sell you emotions” with an infomercial-front like Dr. Phil or John Edwards. You don’t need me to tell you stuff like that, nor am I in a position to enforce it. Most of you are relatively self-reliant to get life to teach you its lessons. Just do what you “will” or “wish”. Let the process of evolution judge your survival abilities. The strong will survive, and the weak will be uplifted. Don’t be a fake, a front, a wannabe; do it with heart and compassion (with a balance of selfishness).
And I’m definitely not here preachin’ about “don’t worry, be happy”. Fuck no. Worry! Worry a lot! It will get you thinkin’ about what needs to be done on your part. Because if you know what the problem is, your only job is to find the solution. I ain’t guaranteeing that solution will be the best solution but it’s still a solution, no doubt. You could be the happiest motherfucker skipping across the most greenest of grasses with the brightest of sunshine with the most naive of thoughts and next thing you know… BAM! A train/airplane/rock/pair of boobies blindly slams into you leaving your body splattered with your limbs torn from your ligaments. You won’t even have a chance to experience regret. Sorry to be melodramatic, but it can be sometimes effective.
At my age, I feel pretty fucken good. I have things to work out, things to keep me busy ’til death do I part them. But, overall, outlook seems like I’ve been given a fighting chance. It’s better than whining about being “bored” or “having no time” as if to beg others to supply me with sympathy and attention. My advice, erase those words from your vocabulary. Replace them with,”I motherfucken give a fucking fuck.” (The cuss words are for shock value.) I feel insulted by those who worry about me and am annoyed by those who talk nothing but work. So, it’s best I do things the best I know how, which is by myself (with flaws and errors and all.).
Therefore, I am back to writing again about what [my part] it is all about. Or, at least, make something up for you folks to believe. *giggle*
To continue, by making my 20s seem like child’s play, I’m gonna judge those who judge others, acknowledge the enemies I have ignored, break friendships with those who front, strengthen those who don’t criticize, enjoy my work while working, worship the beauty of the opposite sex, read the Greak Books to respect greatness, watch more Sopranos, seek ultimate love so that I can make LOve, finish the last 25% of my screenplay, and update my online journal entries often.
One thing for sure is that time moves quite fast… rayhom.com has been around since 1997. That’s quite some years for a lot of you to have been considerate enough to stick around with me. I can say with confidence that I have built a small (but modest) fanbase. I did not create y’all, y’all created me. And now that I’ve reintroduced myself, tell me what y’all been up to… [End of A Beginning]